DAMNED

I am damned

lost in the dark abyss of confusion

sinking deeper into the big “D”

Hiding into the black curtain of oblivion.

I am damned

Damned from soul-searching introspection of my identity

Damned by the gods of my selfish desires

Damned by my own will

Damned with no chance of escape

I am damned

In laughter, in light, in bliss.

I am damned and it feels great.

I am damned because I am human.

I am damned and I still exist.

I am damned with a life.

I am damned with priviledges.

Damned with responsiblities.

Damned with love.

I am damned from conception to grave.

Damned to see the sunrise.

Damned to witness the sunset.

Damned to smell the flowers.

Damn I am damned.

Incubus-"Drive" Music Video (Acoustic Version)

First Cut is the Deepest by Rod Stewart

Warm-up Movie

This morning, I’ve had a nice watch on the movie entitled “Catch & Release.”

Its a winner, recommended for the super insomiac (just this time) people like me.

Just sharing, thanks. 

Gibberish

Gibberish                                                                                                                              March 26, 2009 12:50 am

I recently discovered that whatever truth there may be, it is first and foremost a story. A story that only my cynical self has dared to probe.  A story that has no substance but a mere opinion, hearsay, a futile train of thought.  A philosophy that is so common we ignore it even exists.  This is a story of the myriad irony in this thing called life.

First, let’s talk about the social aspects of inequality.  It has always bothered me why society has a form of stratification since time memorial.  In any culture, there is a universal hierarchy, a form of superior-subordinate relationship.  Not that I insinuate oligarchy because I do believe that abolishing the former will only make things worse in terms of social order and harmony but the thing is, for most of us it has become a reality that we just started to accept. The modern age equivalent of the white, male, tall and western man is the dominant culture in American society and in our own colonial mentality; we still adhere to the standards of Uncle Sam’s ideologies.  Well, enough of our being “indios” I think the little-brown Filipinos should start recognizing their own accomplishments without any more depending on the say of dignitaries in the “land of the free and brave.”

Here’s a related but not similar example. Why do certain Filipino athletes’, Filipino Pop-stars, Filipino geniuses who bring honor to the country need to be recognized abroad first before we recognize them in our own country.  Does international standard necessarily overtake national ones?  Or is it just but natural for us to take pride in foreign awards and recognitions instead of treating our own as the best ones? It doesn’t make sense.

Second, I really hate and at the same time wonder the hypocrisy and mediocrity of the Philippine Educational System. I’m referring actually to the whole educational idea per se.  Yet, I myself am a victim and a number one patron, so sue me, yes I qualify for mediocrity.  Criticism aside, I think that there is a form of serious imbalance in the way the system works. 

For one, how many professional graduates do we produce each year and how many among them get employed for the first 6 months.  I’m there, the demands are low and the supply is high but how about considering shifting focus from white collar jobs to blue collar jobs.  And who says that only graduates can have a higher chance of getting ahead out of life. I personally knew some, even in my age or my batch, who ventured into business (even starting with really small ones like cart-types) yet gradually it paid off.  Well, this is not just talking of measuring success or progress in terms of financial gain but more on the self-fulfillment of proving one’s worth.

Here’s a funny scenario we see at home.  When parents start verbalizing their dreams for their children, they usually start by giving them a good education so that when the students (their children) graduate, they can land a stable, well good and (let’s say) high-paying job.  Is becoming a mere employee of the government, or that multi-dollar, private company the end of the dream?  How come others are brought up to think that way? Wouldn’t any parent suggest or dream that their children be the proponent or visionary leader of something that is unimaginable.   I think the world would be a better place if we just transcend the accepted caliber of excellence.  And it will even be a lot better world if we start to apply or actually put into practice what has been so easily conceived in thought.

Another irony or dilemma that is so common in the actual educational curriculum is the absurdity of ideas or theories that we so readily absorb.  I often think about how many times I have dealt with the question “who ever invented this theory?”  Especially when the lazy self gets the better part of me, I stop and question the sensibility of learning a theory so rampantly abused or misused in the real-world politics.  It’s a vicious cycle and system that is just hard to break.  And who am I to suggest or even thought of creating a difference when I myself cannot be disciplined to deviate.  It’s all gibberish.  It’s all just classical and rhetoric.

Lastly, I wouldn’t want to cross this point but I will say it anyway.  I see a great deal of problems rooted in the belief that I will call (for this article) “the lie of trusting one’s life in faith but not supporting it with works.”  The Philippines is the only Christian country in Asia yet we see all forms of corruption and wickedness.  Of course by biblical standards, man has a fallen, selfish-nature and we inherited that very nature to sin but is this the end of the story.  Definitely not, because we are created with a free will and God’s perfect plan only materializes when we do our part and exercise that gift to choose.  Now I’m already sounding like a preacher here and not that I am an expert in morality or matters of the church but we know that we can always choose.  We choose to be righteous or we choose to do wrong. Wrong in the sense that it will not be for the common good.   In its basic premise, we harvest what we plant.  Life reverberates and actions have consequences.  Faith is not a mere abstract word we use by simply mentally saying we believe yet do nothing about the situation.  This explanation is stupid.  I know it does, it’s a very basic “you-know-already.”  Anyway, it’s so ironic and surprisingly generic that even in our day-to-day “bahala na” values it is being accounted to as faith.

Well, so much for my weary-wary thoughts, I think it’s time I get some sleep.  So here’s a goodnight for now. Oops, morning!!!   

23

Today is my 23^rd Birthday.  I’m a little ecstatic but more of overwhelmed. 

Now it’s 12:30 in the midnight and my birthday had officially elapsed, so let’s rewind a little bit and talked about today.

There was nothing extra-ordinary or fancy about it but somehow, something significant really happened and I cannot allow my memory to escape this time.  Here’s my list of the 23 people I commend for appreciating, remembering, and sharing with me my unforgettable 23rd birthday.  Cheers!

1. Mama    -               I love you Ma, thanks for the Singapore trip surprise
2. Ate Twinkle -         Thanks for the card
3. Ading Dexter -      Thanks for buying the rose
4. Dad -                      Thanks for driving me and for always preparing my water every morning
5. Ading Angel -        You’re a little out of mood but thanks for waking up early
6. BJ-                           Thanks for the sincere greetings
7. Vina-                       Thanks for taking the pictures and for talking to me in the phone until this very minute  just to check if I’m okey. Thanks also for scaring me but oh, please I’m trying to write here. (okay turning off the phone now, bye)
8. Lola-                       Thanks for the breakfast
9. Cousin Peng-         Thanks for bearing with me in looking for that lacy, lacy lavender blouse that I
10. Insisted on using (though it was unfound and probably misplaced until today)
11. Cousin Glenby-     Thanks. Even if you didn’t showed up because you left the house too early
12. Cousin Vergel -     Thanks for the silent nod and reactions.  I know we’re so noisy and loud but you just observed around, smiling in your seat.
13. Kuya Roland-        Thanks for cleaning the office
14. Marife-                   Thanks for honestly forgetting and immediately hugging me the moment you knew14.    Ma’am Precy-       You’re always kind to me, thanks for dropping by in the morning and waiting for me so we can get home together in the afternoon.
15. Ma’am Vio-            Thanks for the Hug, for the concern (checking out on me), and the stories
16. Sir Abet (LAU)-     Thanks for the greeting and the shyness.  You’re always humble, timid and a gentleman.
17. Sir Steve-              Thanks for the greetings.
18. Sir Rene-                Thanks for the kiss (so chummy) and for allowing me to go on a leave on   Apr  6 -8, 2009.  I badly need a vacation.
19. Sir Neil-                  Thanks for singing a birthday song.
20. Ma’am Mayet-      Thanks for being the first one to greet me in the email
21. Sir Mark-                Thanks for greeting me the moment I told you
22. Derylle-                  Thanks for the pretty flowers delivered via email (you have a beautiful heart young lady.)
23. Ma’am Len-          Thanks for being the last person to call and greet me in the office (before logged-out, somebody still remembered)

This is supposed to be just 23 but the list continues.  I also would like to extend my gratitude to the following people

Kuya DARWIN-                     Ate Twinkle’s boyfriend working in Manila (I’m glad you texted, I was so happy and excited hearing that beep)

Ate Jen (C. of Combank)- You are so beautiful and prudent ate.  Making mention of the Trip to Cebu and sharing other escapade plans with you had me something to look forward to. Special thanks for the food. It goes out for Ambot and Fe as well.

Ambot (Combank)-              Thanks for the hug, girl. And the charms, simply seeing your face lights my day.

Sir Jerry (Cureg )-                 I really appreciate your dropping by the office to shake my hands, very warming.

Ma’am Lhen (new accounts)-            Thanks for the gift.  That’s really awesome, to know that somebody bothered in the branch and to think that we’ve only known each other for a brief time.

Mhina-                                   I love you girl.  I didn’t know that you’re back since Monday, and sorry for the short notice assignment in Santiago, I’ve already arranged to move it for next week (Mar 30-April 3) with Ma’am Merlie.  Anyway, thanks for saying yes in acting as reliever in lieu of my vacation leave. Meant a lot to me.

Sir Dick (branch MO)-          Thanks for the jokes.  You are quite a fun lately, you’re always cracking jokes.  Far from the stern Sir Dick that I knew before.

Sir Boyet -                             Thanks for the teasing and updates for my lovelife. And the silly advises.

Ms. Lotus-                             Thanks for the greetings. Thanks for mentioning the salary loan application. Upon confirmation that it will be sent to your branch, you sincerely appreciated the gesture.  At least, it made me realize that I did something productive this week.  Let’s just wait til it’s delivered.

Kuya Alex-                             Thanks for assisting the applicants and directing them to my office.

Kuya Marvin-                        Thanks for paying the Country Club bills payment in Union Bank (I can’t imagine life without messengers like you)

Kuya Roland-                         You made life a little easier for me. Double thanks for preparing and dishing out the plates we used.  Thanks for that last minute additional “pakwan” merienda.

Ate Joan-                               Thanks for being the last person who sent the greeting through a text message   

Ate Kiana-                             Thanks for the YM Greetings

Cheeky-

Ifever I forgot to mention somebody…you were either apparently out-of-sight or I never heard anything from you. Except for the pre-greeting calls I received from APO pipz.

Time is swift.  People come and go.  Things change. Circumstances cause us to leave or go elsewhere.  But the work must go on.  People move on.  Life continues to revolve and people constantly evolve. Time is unstoppable.  And by 5am today, I’m going to meet the Governor and talk about my transfer.  As for my present job where I am currently connectied, I still don’t have a fabricated story for the reason of my half-day leave (hope I can be back in the office before 10am today).  Yesterday, I turned 23.  This might just be the biggest change so far–shifting in another career.  I’m not sure if I wanted or needed this.  But got to decide soon. I’ll make the decision, I’m sure. I just need a time off so I can think it over (one and a million times)                                                             

    Morning!!!!Have a long-day ahead, valerie

Letter to my Niece_let’s talk about your Dad

March 22, 2009                                                                                                                                  Sunday 1:30 pm

MY DARLING LOVE

This is me becoming sentimental.  I wanted to express the cornucopia of emotions to my first niece. Her name is baby Khriz Daniel Dimayuga-Lopez y Claveria.

Sweetheart,

When you grow up, I wanted you to understand that it is essential to give you a vivid picture of my relationship with your father—my brother BJ—based on my own point of view and for the time being. It’s absolutely not the best brother-sister relationship that you’ll discover but we either accept it as it is or we don’t have any. 

It’s my only way of connecting to you.  I can’t make up for the lost time, for the absence, for missing out your formative years, for not actually being there, at your side.  Nevertheless, I am constantly reminded of God’s greatest blessing to this family—you my niece—and there would not be a better way to appreciate the gift than to thank the Giver and recognize the instrument He used in giving you to us.  The person I am talking about is Vincent George or BJ, and he is my brother.

I decided to write an article objectively narrating the background of a redeemed man—Ading BJ. This is a time when he learns that although God’s salvation is a gracious gift and cannot be earned, the richness of this salvation does depend largely on his effort and discipline.  It does not come automatically and his journey called for sustained, determined effort.

I honestly hope that I can translate my insight into something more tangible in years to come…  Despite and in spite of the truth that I’ll be revealing, it will not change the fact that we love you. I’ll delay no more.

Let me first introduce myself to you.  I am 22 yrs old as I am writing this simple letter and you are a year and four months old.  Your Dad and I (for most of the time, I can’t trace how it started) does not go along well.  We oftentimes develop a clash of opinion and as I am more argumentative and he is more provocative, this created a rift that is mostly demonstrated in non-verbal communications.  We are trying to settle some individual differences but I guess the scar of “not-trying-to-talk-about it” in the family with the expense of not aggravating the hurt paid its price. 

Consequently, Ading BJ developed the very bad habit of venting out his frustrations in drinking liquor with his friends and going home wasted.  The attitude is upsetting and unacceptable that I started to become annoyed and pissed-off.  It’s not a good sight or solution when I start nagging him to change but I can’t tolerate his sense of being irresponsible. I cannot stomach his mindset of crab mentality. And it seems to me like he wants us to be infected with his cloudy and hazy, grim misfortunes. That’s just utterly pathetic. 

I really admit that I am not interested in listening or trying to understand his illogical self and all his frustrations.  I thought he should figure that out for himself. But it occurred to me just now that it’s nothing personal. Not as bad as it sounds either. As a matter of fact, I do care and even if it’s hardly seen on me, I mind and regret seeing him sinking into the greatest lie in all of philosophy, you know “not-doing-anything” about his situation and just “waiting-for-something-to-happen” in his life.

As far as I’m concerned, your “Lolo” and “Lola” did not lack the modeling, the advice, the financial support and the spiritual guidance in giving him room to find his purpose/goal/meaning in life. 

However, I am aware and convinced that the reception or environment at home (which he himself created) is the least-venue for him to mend his brokenness.  I do know that he may project as a front the bogus-hard-shell of toughness and inciting of fear in hiding that “certain-soft-spot” inside but never did it served the purpose of concealing the hopelessness.  It may sound like I am condemning him already at this point but I do think he’s losing and fooling himself. He lacks the proper disposition, direction, conviction and motivation to change.

But, he is a man.  He has his own struggles.  He is facing a different battle.  For me to interfere with that is out of the question.   How else could I explain the harmony amidst the animosity between us?  Had it not been for that slight acceptance of his masculinity.

Personally, I am lost at words to describe this little brother—now an adult—that is your Dad but it isn’t always this way.  I do have a long list of his good qualities and so as to present a grain of truth on this side of the story, let me start by saying that he is the most caring man on earth.

Your Dad as mushy as it might sound prefers material things or giving gifts as his form of showing love.  Depending on the occasion, I observed that his love language in expressing how much he cares is through buying stuff and distributing gifts.  When its Christmas time, I am mostly surprised by the woman apparel or clothes that he buys for us.  For instance, let me tell you about the time when he had the PNPA training in Manila and I almost did not make it to Christmas because I attended the Leadership Training in Antipolo until the 23 of December.  I left Manila in the 24^th on a-day-trip so it was understandable that I had no gift to give to anyone but I reached home and received the most down-to-earth, simple guy expression of thoughtfulness. 

Add to that is his love of cooking for the family and I appreciate his efforts on that.  Not only is he a good-and natural cook but he is also an expert driver.  There was one incident in July of 2008 when we had a farewell party in the office for Ms. Botch (a work mate in Combank) and I have not informed them at home that I am coming so late. I literally found no one at home because all the while they were searching for me. With his leadership, they drove at the outskirts of the city hoping to find me somewhere.  Your Dad is a caring person more than what the outside may seem to exude.

Second, (and did I say long list), he has a natural gift of leadership.  We actually often fight because at home, both of us are aggressive and hard-headed.  So much for the adjective, but we do disagree a lot.  He has his own style and opinion and I have mine. I think that this it is an indication of being a leader because he knows how to follow but he also takes the time to lead. We end up in a compromise that he and I am willing to take.

He has his own version of comfortably doing things, and he’s humble to ask for help and admit his mistakes when needed.  Here’s a proof, when you were barely a year old in October 2008, you had asthma and we had to take you to the hospital. Dad accompanied Mom out-of-town and we were left home alone (of course we were with Lola Maria but she’s too old to assist).  With all the courage that he can muster, he asked help from me and acknowledged my importance by admitting that my presence gives him moral support. We ran to People’s Emergency Hospital to seek prescription and have the Doctor checked on you.

You were crying hard and I saw the desperation and pain in his face to see you in such anguish or discomfort.  My heart went out to him in pulling the strings of leading a family in his young age (he was 21), his responsibility as a Dad to you while still depending on my parents as being a full-time-student.

Lastly, for the purpose of not deviating to our topic which is supposed to be “niece-centered,” I’ll just mention that I can see him as a great man in the future.   It is his quality to be resourceful and he is constantly being molded in his capacity to provide and ability to protect.  He is a proud man to have a daughter like you and a partner like Grace.    

I will not delve on the vision but I’m saying this as a general comment.  The world has yet to see how this one-man, when he has found his purpose in life and give it all his best shot and commit to trust everything to God and do his part of the bargain, will live to inspire and leave a mark of significance. 

Now, were almost through with the ugly stuff.  Let me just add something with regard to your mother.  I think that she is quite a strong, very beautiful and industrious woman.  She managed to hurdle all the challenges of a young mother gracefully.  She grows more beautiful every year and I’m starting to think that she must be getting all the strength and boosting from you.  She is a changed woman not just in status but more on the character.

I can only say a little about your mom but I have nothing against her decisions.  Like her decision to go home (bringing you along) in Palawan and leaving us broken-hearted because you had to be so far away from us in the crucial years of your growing up stage. 

Grace is far from average, she is a combination of pulchritude and brain.  Her potentials and opportunities for a better life are wide and open.  But she clearly knows her priorities and she is right to personally attend to your upbringing.  She has her ambitions but she keeps it simple by facing the reality of her situation. I know for a fact that these dreams are all anchored to your well-being.  I wanted her to be happy and to choose to do the right thing for your family.  Should her parents influence her decision, I know that she is just honoring her relationship to them as guardians. 

 I also think I am not in the position to weigh the negative over the positive of your living in Palawan instead of staying here with your Dad in Tuguegarao so I’ll just keep that topic untouched. 

Finally, I can address my letter to you.  I do have a lot of expectations but never will I obliged you to live in another person’s standards so just grow.  

Enjoy your life as a toddler. Play, play and play. 

I have a lot of abstract words to say but for a start remember to say ‘thank you’, ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘I love you’ to people close to your heart.  

When you grow as a young girl, be very responsible.  And don’t give your mom too much hard time.  She has enough troubles of her own.  Nah, just kidding. Feel free to disclose to her.  She is your own best friend.  In one way or another, she has been into where you’re going so trust her wisdom.

Growing up, I know that we were not really that visible in your life but we do care. We love you.  You are important to us and please ask your mom to visit us soon.  You are the person we miss most.

With love and support,

Tita Bluebelle

"Wind Suck"

“You’re an adult now and the best thing about being an adult is that it starts even before you know it starts.  There are already a dozen decisions into it.  But this is what you need to know, girl. Your lifeguard isn’t watching you anymore.  You’re on your own now and the decisions you make now are yours and yours alone from here until end.”

In this article, we are defining “wind suck” as one who blows with the prevailing breeze.  It happens when a person starts confusing majority opinion with the right opinion.

A serious problem occurs when a person becomes a wind suck.  First, it denotes that the person is becoming a part of the culture of the mainstream society as opposed to the non-mainstream society, one that shall we say is based on the social norms.  To say whether this is voluntary or involuntary, advertent or inadvertently, conscious or unconsciously happening does not even justify the situation or the person.  It is a matter of taking things at face value without daring to be wrong in order to be right.  It is not doing anything.  It is simply going into the flow.  It is following the current.  It is called the “wind suck” phenomenon.

Second, based on the above-mentioned definition, a wind suck proposes a dichotomy of the right and the wrong opinion. In this case, the derogatory implication of the “one who blows with the wind” is identified as the majority opinion.  It also goes without saying that the right opinion is anything other than the majority opinion which is supposed to be the “wrong opinion.”  Here we see an inconsistency of the idea to isolate one’s self from the socially-constructed trap of not going beyond, not thinking out of the box, not trying to change the familiar, not daring to go against something that already exist.  Here the willingness to blend is sugarcoated with the belief that to conform is to be unquestionably being accepted.  Otherwise, a person is tagged with the social stigma of becoming a deviant.

Even the word “confusing” in the above-mentioned definition is problematic because it is in its basic premise already referred to as “labeling” or “stereotyping.”

Now let us debunk all the social science rhetoric and start taking into context the reality.   Case in point is the assessment of my present situation.  In layman’s term, do I qualify in the category (Ring the bells, it calls for an alarm) of a “win suck” person in my present job?  On the second thought, supposed I am or am not, how confident am I that I will not be (this is a double oh-oh) in the prospective job where I’m transferring to?

Assuming that I made the decision and that I’ll live to regret it, will my decision then be irredeemable or irreversible? 

As I am contemplating on the countless questions, I am flooded with a dozen more to clarify.  The difference between trying and failing or failing and trying is at least I did something, even if I end up in the same place.

Everybody changes, time passes and my promise, my potential is very fickle.  It might not be just there anymore.

To sum it up, I do not know when the best part of my life will begin.  This is the surprise I have yet to unravel.

What is She Like

Okay this one’s the part when I’m supposed to show pictures of us together so as not to be vague in the previous article.  I hope this pictures gave justice to what I’ve formerly written.

 Fr: Left to Right

Valerie, Vincent George, Xandred Anne,

Dexter, Dad, Mom, Vinazon, Angelic

with loving my loving Lola

 

     Brother BJ, Me and Ate Twinkle

Sis

She to others is an ordinary sister but to me she is special because she is my sister.

Probably the most influential woman in my life is her. We grew up together, studied together, lived together, struggled together, cried together, laughed together, dreamed together, set goals together, and depart ways together.  Being with her means that I have an elder sister, one that I am accountable to while she is responsible for me.

Certainly, having an elder sister does not mean we don’t live our separate lives.  It’s just that, like any other thing in this world, we are interdependent and the decisions that we make are intertwined, interconnected in the small parts of a larger picture.

One of the best things I love about her is that she always gives me room for space.  She encourages me to keep my individuality.  She does not dictate, does not try to change who I am, does not attempt me to conform to the norm, does not tolerate my foolishness and she does not impose rules on me.  She gives me time to grow and opportunity to learn. She accepts, understands, rebukes, advises, guides, leads, accompanies, supports and stays.

Since childhood, I am always insistent to change our course of path but my parents always thought there’s a wisdom in letting me stay close to her.   I see now that the’re right. 

In terms of attitude, temperament, personality and physical characteristics and  we are exact opposite.  She’s sensitive and emotional.  I’m more compulsive and unemotional.  I am organized and neat.  She lives in a topsy-turvey, “organized-mess” lifestyle. I am loud and outspoken, I think she’s shy and a bit reserved. She has a sense of direction. I do but I am open for change.  She is a self-sacrificing creature.  I am a selfish-self centered brute.  She cares. Sometimes, I don’t.  She  gives, I take.  She plans and sticks to it.  I plan and execute changes along the way.  I enjoy people, she uses people. I am smart and clever, she’s intelligent and diligent.  She’s thin, I’m endowed.  I have average height,she’s taller. 

But despite all these differences according to my opinion, I think that we do have most things in common more than what I would want to admit.  Sometimes, I see myself becoming reflective like her while she acts very dynamic. Other times I am prone to become more conservative and she suddenly becomes more liberated.   Its the sense of values and convictions, priorities and goals, sisterhood and friendship that binds us together.  She is my crony, confidante and best of all, my “devil’s advocate.”  Always probing, seeking, observing, minding, challenging and not stopping until I get out of my pretty “fun-filled-and-secure” comfort zone and start living a life. 

Okay, not all the time, sometimes I don’t appreciate intervention.  At least not the hustle and bustle of adjustment to a new set of environment.  On the second thought, I seem to enjoy and miss the thrill of adapting with a twist, the capacity to thrive, the politics of governance (wait, that’s a little too academic).  I am more adept to what she is suggesting. It’s what I am groomed to become or be a part of all these years.  My sis is making sense when she’s saying that “why don’t I try to work in the government service.”

So, were back to that point, the saga of a professional seeking her domain.  She showed me that I am not in my element.  This is becoming an issue for me and no matter how much I try hard not to mind, or think about it that much, I do have to make a decision sometime so I guess I’m dead.

Nah, just kidding.  Sort of, If I don’t make this decision, I’m really dead.  Chuckles.

 She, my sister, is one of a kind.  I’ll give this as tribute to her once I get nothing out of what she is suggesting.  And when I made that point of no-returning and she suddenly goes berserk because she’s not having it in her terms–you know I’m joining them in the workplace but initiating my own leadership style–I can’t think of any way to thank her but that she’s convinced me on this.

What an influence indeed.

Note: I really hope there’s a coherence in this article.  I can’t trace how’d we’d end up with that same issue.  This was not suppose to be related to any of that earlier plans. Anyway, so it was I’ll still publish. Darn! Oops, excuse me for the word. i INTEND TO HAVE A GREAT DAY AHEAD!!!

 Byem gotta go to work now.

Letter to my Mom

Hi Ma,

I’m turning 23 on March 24 and I wanted to give thanks first and foremost to you.

Today, we argued or more precisely, I argued with you about the house and my thought that it was so unkempt.  I know you must have been very tired considering the fact that you came all the way from work and you just catched up in the Sunday Service this morning.  It was afterall the wrong timing.  I was also aware that I must have hurt your feelings when I said that well, that should be your responsibility to make sure that we are properly nourished and we go home in a nice, comfortable, organized and most importantly neat place.  As if I am  the mother, I know that’s not the proper way to speak to you and certainly not the least possible demonstration of giving respect.  So, I really apologize.  I intend to keep the subject away and not anymore bring back even any of the memories when you have to be separated from us (and you have not attended to our needs personally) in order  to help provide for the family.

Ma, I know that you and Dad are not perfect as parents but I want you to know that you are special because you are my parents.  You are the most important people in my life. You are the models that I am proud of. Sorry, I lied when I said the opposite in your face.  I will be careful not to inflict such pain caused by careless words again. I bet my angry disposition caused me to utter the words that meant to hurt or retaliate to you when we were in that heated argument.   Its a petty issue I should have set aside. But I guess that chapter was closed.

To tell you the truth, my life only revolves in four social aspects right now.  You (my family), my work, the church and my MPA class.  It’s simple and light.  Its far from the busy and pro-active lifestyle that I have had when I was in college.  Ma, let me share to you some random thoughts and valuable experiences I gained during the time I’m away from home to pursue my tertiary education (hehe, and very seldom visits due to countless preoccupation). 

 You know I appreciate how we were reared in a Christian home.  Most of my classmates misunderstood intimacy with sexual attachments.  Of course, this is the norm popularized by Hollywood nowadays and practiced by the so called “liberal” woman but I’m glad I was spared.  (No offense to other people with a different conviction) I can now attest that the discipline in setting a clear demarkation line between guarding the chastity and making love or doing the act outside the bonds of marriage is primarily due to a rooted conviction based on Christian values. 

Onother indispensible principle you demonstrated is integrity.  When I joined the sorority_Alpha Phi Omega_I neither informed nor asked your permission.  I knew you wouldn’t understand and you’d probaby not allow. I thought you might just point to me one by one the disadvantages of joining the organization based on what you hear (hazing, initiations, frat war and the like) but you did understood when it was time to tell you.  You trusted my judgement and you did not force me to quit.  The whole neophyte stage (that was almost a year) was pure hardship but I managed to survive.  The character to persevere and strive to excel kept me focused on the goals.  Yes I  did it and it was the most productive years of my college life. 

It was only when I joined APO that I was exposed to the real world.  The diversity of culture, the socially relevant issues of poverty and injustice, the classical mantra of commercialization, all these and more. And what did we do about it, of course we tried to extend service as best we could. 

Probably most of the “giving back-to-the-public” stuff was realized when I joined APO. The list of outreaced programs that I and the batch personally spearheaded was innumerable.  Some examples of which include coordinating Christmas Outreach Program for Street Children in Irisan Dumpsite, Bloodtyping & Bloodletting in collaboration with Redcross Baguio, Treeplanting in Four Adpoted Sites recognized by DENR, Oratorical Contest, Leadership Debates, Symposium on Student Deliquency, Book Rehab, Adopting a Park, First Aid Training, and many more). 

I loved the experience, the thrill, the fun, the interaction, the smiles etched in the faces of innocent children. 

To become more aware of our cultural heritage, I also joined the Philippine Program for Indigenous People and we even went to Sagada and taught Theatre to the locals.  That was terrific. 

I explored my political side by taking the challenge  to run as fourth year representative in 2006.  It was even then when I was enrolled in two schools simultaneously because I took 18 educational units in BSU.  But its all rewarding.  By the way, I wasn’t elected thank heavens because again I was most notably engrossed already in the Prof Ed course in BSU.

I also remember the part when I became a part of Campus Crusade for Christ.  It was the time that I cultivated my spiritual training.  By taking ownership of the organization, I understood the meaning of fulfilling an active part in sharing the Great Commission.  It was also a time of retreat, growth and revival.  For me, my joining the  core group and the team, even extending a year as a missionary is tantamount to the words tranquility, dependence, vulnerabilty, humility, patience and long suffering, accountability, truthfulness, rest and soul-searching.  Talk about my spiritual being.

Now, let’s move on to another chapter of my life that I am most reluctant or uncomfortable to share with.  My lovelife.  Hmp, there have been many “loves”, past or present but none that I have ever committed to.  I won’t mention any names but surely it varies from simple crush to downright mutual connections.  From merely heartthrobs or teasing partners to serious cases of infatuation. But there is a zero (so naive,harhar) level of serious dating or serioous acceptance of courtship from the opposite sex.  I am not sure if there is on the courting side but as far as I’m concerned, I do not remember any.  My reasons are more related to  “principles and values oriented” or difference in priorities and life missions, such cases when I know that remaining friends or keeping the friendship will do us best and not crossing that line would be most beneficial.  I think it has also something to do with my dynamic self, (and schedule or affiliations)–take note, this was during that time–  that I did not develop any serious “committment” to some significant other.

Anyway, since this blog should be about you, i’ll continue with our relationship.  There were several times when I’ve openly disccussed my future plans about career choices(e.g .when I said I’ve fallen in love in becoming a missionary and contemplating on joining full time). You explored other options with me but you are always very supportive.  And best (or hardest) of all, you still leave the decison to me.  That is how you are to me as a mother, willing to give sacrificially and expecting nothing in return.  The counselor, the adviser, the financier (haha), the listener, the critic, the friend, the mentor, the enemy (when I’m out-of-my-mind), the challenger, the woman that I want and do not want to become, the loud and vivacious, unorganized and very busy mother juggling it all up to make both ends meet.

I love you Ma,

even if I look irritated,

i’m in the wrong mood

or I say cutting, unjust words.

I am not just sorry but also repentant (i’m working on the change of attitude)

for being disrespectful,

judgemental,

unreasonable,

immature,

not responsible,

and you can add more to the list.

P.S. I wrote because I don’t have the courage to speak the words personally.  I’ll print it on mother’s day.  Hopefully  we can arranged a surprise for you this May.  Finally, to end the article I’ll give this as last words, don’t believe everything I say when I’m talking to you (especially if I’m mad) because my adrenaline cunningly make things up, sometimes hurtful words do come out of my mouth.  And I did not mean it but I can’t take it back either.  So just like always, listen to the unsaid words.  But you most probably know that already.

I’ll publish it now else you read it here (hehe, you almost caught me there)..see you every morning when we both wake up early.

 And for the benefit of not editing the truth       

STRING OF HOPE

Don’t Quit

simple reminder for me

OBSCURITY

“Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked in  a blind alley.  

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good  for us.”  A.J. Cronin

I was babbling to my sister the other night that it’s about time I move on to a new cheese station when she answered ‘’okay wait, tell me first what book is it that you’re reading now?”  To my utter amazement, I didn’t quite expected nor anticipated that she was observing me for the past days.  And its true, I’ve been going home late, sleeping early and waking up at 11:00 in the afternoon.  Its becoming a routine my system is adapting to.  From 11:00 pm until early morning, I could not get myself to sleep (talk about separation anxiety i guess) so I find some interesting ways to use my time like watching hollywood films or rereading books. Surely, I underestimated her capacity to understand what I’m going through.  So I shared her the famous ” Who Moved My Cheese?” authored by Dr. Spencer Johnson.  And we did end up enjoying a meaningful conversation over dinner the following day.

I won’t discuss the book in here alright (so as not to spoil the essence of finding your own version of the cheese or realizing who among the characters you are most likely to relate to) but I do have some reflections of my own.  See, i just did it.  No but seriously, talking about my decision to resign made me overanalize and complicate things further.  The main concern that I have is whether or not there is readily an advancement for me, whatsoever.  Not that I do depend on it but it is a main part of my consideration.  And whether this advancement will benefit me alone or other people around me (celebrate if that’s the case), i need to know if it’s real, or attainable within my timetable.  So because I’m still uncertain of where my decision would lead me, I just pray that I would get over my fears and take the first step to take is to boldly–with a pure solid-decision and no turing back–courageously give the letter formally stating the desire to quit.  I wanted to part ways in good terms so I’m trying to find the right timing (if there is such a thing).

…. (story to be continued when I have time)

URGENCY AND IMPORTANCE

Sigh.

It is hard to imagine that one day, i’ll be in a position where I have to regret my future decision to resign from my present job.  It goes without saying that there must have been some really good justification for wanting to do so. 

I have two on the list, being:

First, I deemed it important for my personal development. By this I mean that I get to explore a different side of my potentials other than staying in the office.  I will get to interact with more people and learn new stuff the actual way.  I can bask in the sun and grow in my connections and skills.  I can practice self-reliance because that means I have to commute for four hours every weekend just to get to my destination. I can get the real picture of service and altruism by working closely with people in the grassroot level.  I’m sure to gain self-fulfillment along the way.  I can live closer to nature.  I can practice what we have been learning in the graduate school.  I can apply my communication skills which is my undergraduate degree. I can have a better chance of leading an office in a lesser time.  I can make use of my civil service eligibilty.  I can become more familiar with my parents’ home province. I can relate more to their values and traditions.  I may learn to speak the language more fluently. I will have a better appreciation of my heritage. And,I may also manage to attract a few troubles and commit mistakes but it will still be part of my growth.

Finally, it is a matter of urgency and importance.  How so?  A simple and precise explaination would be because this is the year before the election ban.  In 2009, there will be freeze hiring in the government.  If I must do it, then I must do it now.  Transition is good at this time of the year.  And why is it important, it is matter-of-factly because a 46 percent increase in the basic pay of government employees was approved by PGMA and will take effect in July of 2009.  And as my sister said, it will be one hell-of-a-job that nobody else can do like I can.  So, taking into consideration that my youngest sister is entering college in June, I know that it will help ebb financial issues in the family. Plus, because I know that I am at most dispensible in any workplace, the thought lingers that maybe it is still more secure to work holding a civil-service, plantilla position in the government. 

So, this is how I convince myself.  I just pray that I’ll have the same idealism when I’m in the real world.  A political actor in the arena of a bloated bureaucracy.  I wonder how I myself would fare? Notwithstanding, I am not immune in the human nature to be tempted– to compromise some principles.  Whatever that means.  I also fear that one day, I might find myself becoming the person that I so readily despise.  (I talk in riddles).  Nah, i’m just saying that don’t want to end up being young and corrupt.

Well, so much for my futuristic predictions.  I think that the dread of tendering my resignation is taking the nerve out of me.  So i’ll just see. 

Becoming RATIONAL

It has been said that a decision is the best choice of alternative course of action.  When conflict arise, the best way to handle it is to take the least-risk and arrive at a win-win situation.  Right now, I have two alternative course of action, either I stay or I resign.  Being in the crossroad is downright confusing.  Perhaps the only time I see the real change in the experience is when I see how different people react differently to my decision. But where my emotions reign, I need to resist fanning the fire of pleasing other people. If I would decide otherwise, I wanted to do it for myself.  Actually, If I had it my way, I would not have chosen the one over the other.  Because both choices are limiting and obligatory.  It it a classic dichotomy of the private and the public sector.  I know that the right thing to do is not always easy.  So just once, I asked myself, am i here when i should be elsewhere? 

Finding Balance

I once thought that as a young girl, I want to grow up sooner. I secretly consider myself more mature than the average girls at my age.  My opinion was that in terms of relationships, i can already predict what will happen most of the time.  But i am more often wrong than right.  Human potential is so relatively varied and extricate, complicated and uncomprehensible.  In my case, at least, i am greatly influenced by feelings.  My decisions are oftentimes weighed in light of how it can affect my relationship with people I love.  And now that I’m this stage again where i have to make a major decision that will include major changes, i am still ruled if not greatly influenced by conflicting emotions.  I am in a raging battle of choosing what’s best for everybody.  Although, this can be contested, i still feel an emotional turmoil of agony and confusion in my mind.  How do I exactly choose what’s best? Choosing between good and bad is easy, but how about  choosing between the good and the best? Its torture.  How do I even get close to knowing what’s best?  Is it always an issue of what will make me happy?  Or does sacrifice mean that I have to set aside my want to give way to my needs?  I’m not sure if i’m ready for this.  But not doing anything is worst.  I’d rather commit a mistake than not try at all.  Besides, it will not always be easy but it will do me well to have lived my life free from the regrets of not taking risks.  Okay, maybe I’m taking this too seriously  I needed to take a break.  I’ll do that no.  This are times when I hate my other self for being reflective. I just want to stay as a young girl now.  Free from worries and needless burden brought about by responsibilities.  Maybe I’ve never really grown. And its time to grow up now. That is the real point.