in gaining i lose.
yet when i reconsider,
the grotesquely beautiful truth remains.
I am His and in HIM aolne
am i me with reference to the cross.
In the suffering of my Savior, i am saved,
That's all there is to know.
Finding Balance
March 6, 2009 
I once thought that as a young girl, I want to grow up sooner. I secretly consider myself more mature than the average girls at my age. My opinion was that in terms of relationships, i can already predict what will happen most of the time. But i am more often wrong than right. Human potential is so relatively varied and extricate, complicated and uncomprehensible. In my case, at least, i am greatly influenced by feelings. My decisions are oftentimes weighed in light of how it can affect my relationship with people I love. And now that I’m this stage again where i have to make a major decision that will include major changes, i am still ruled if not greatly influenced by conflicting emotions. I am in a raging battle of choosing what’s best for everybody. Although, this can be contested, i still feel an emotional turmoil of agony and confusion in my mind. How do I exactly choose what’s best? Choosing between good and bad is easy, but how about choosing between the good and the best? Its torture. How do I even get close to knowing what’s best? Is it always an issue of what will make me happy? Or does sacrifice mean that I have to set aside my want to give way to my needs? I’m not sure if i’m ready for this. But not doing anything is worst. I’d rather commit a mistake than not try at all. Besides, it will not always be easy but it will do me well to have lived my life free from the regrets of not taking risks. Okay, maybe I’m taking this too seriously I needed to take a break. I’ll do that no. This are times when I hate my other self for being reflective. I just want to stay as a young girl now. Free from worries and needless burden brought about by responsibilities. Maybe I’ve never really grown. And its time to grow up now. That is the real point.
