Letter to my Niece_let’s talk about your Dad

March 22, 2009                                                                                                                                  Sunday 1:30 pm

MY DARLING LOVE

This is me becoming sentimental.  I wanted to express the cornucopia of emotions to my first niece. Her name is baby Khriz Daniel Dimayuga-Lopez y Claveria.

Sweetheart,

When you grow up, I wanted you to understand that it is essential to give you a vivid picture of my relationship with your father—my brother BJ—based on my own point of view and for the time being. It’s absolutely not the best brother-sister relationship that you’ll discover but we either accept it as it is or we don’t have any. 

It’s my only way of connecting to you.  I can’t make up for the lost time, for the absence, for missing out your formative years, for not actually being there, at your side.  Nevertheless, I am constantly reminded of God’s greatest blessing to this family—you my niece—and there would not be a better way to appreciate the gift than to thank the Giver and recognize the instrument He used in giving you to us.  The person I am talking about is Vincent George or BJ, and he is my brother.

I decided to write an article objectively narrating the background of a redeemed man—Ading BJ. This is a time when he learns that although God’s salvation is a gracious gift and cannot be earned, the richness of this salvation does depend largely on his effort and discipline.  It does not come automatically and his journey called for sustained, determined effort.

I honestly hope that I can translate my insight into something more tangible in years to come…  Despite and in spite of the truth that I’ll be revealing, it will not change the fact that we love you. I’ll delay no more.

Let me first introduce myself to you.  I am 22 yrs old as I am writing this simple letter and you are a year and four months old.  Your Dad and I (for most of the time, I can’t trace how it started) does not go along well.  We oftentimes develop a clash of opinion and as I am more argumentative and he is more provocative, this created a rift that is mostly demonstrated in non-verbal communications.  We are trying to settle some individual differences but I guess the scar of “not-trying-to-talk-about it” in the family with the expense of not aggravating the hurt paid its price. 

Consequently, Ading BJ developed the very bad habit of venting out his frustrations in drinking liquor with his friends and going home wasted.  The attitude is upsetting and unacceptable that I started to become annoyed and pissed-off.  It’s not a good sight or solution when I start nagging him to change but I can’t tolerate his sense of being irresponsible. I cannot stomach his mindset of crab mentality. And it seems to me like he wants us to be infected with his cloudy and hazy, grim misfortunes. That’s just utterly pathetic. 

I really admit that I am not interested in listening or trying to understand his illogical self and all his frustrations.  I thought he should figure that out for himself. But it occurred to me just now that it’s nothing personal. Not as bad as it sounds either. As a matter of fact, I do care and even if it’s hardly seen on me, I mind and regret seeing him sinking into the greatest lie in all of philosophy, you know “not-doing-anything” about his situation and just “waiting-for-something-to-happen” in his life.

As far as I’m concerned, your “Lolo” and “Lola” did not lack the modeling, the advice, the financial support and the spiritual guidance in giving him room to find his purpose/goal/meaning in life. 

However, I am aware and convinced that the reception or environment at home (which he himself created) is the least-venue for him to mend his brokenness.  I do know that he may project as a front the bogus-hard-shell of toughness and inciting of fear in hiding that “certain-soft-spot” inside but never did it served the purpose of concealing the hopelessness.  It may sound like I am condemning him already at this point but I do think he’s losing and fooling himself. He lacks the proper disposition, direction, conviction and motivation to change.

But, he is a man.  He has his own struggles.  He is facing a different battle.  For me to interfere with that is out of the question.   How else could I explain the harmony amidst the animosity between us?  Had it not been for that slight acceptance of his masculinity.

Personally, I am lost at words to describe this little brother—now an adult—that is your Dad but it isn’t always this way.  I do have a long list of his good qualities and so as to present a grain of truth on this side of the story, let me start by saying that he is the most caring man on earth.

Your Dad as mushy as it might sound prefers material things or giving gifts as his form of showing love.  Depending on the occasion, I observed that his love language in expressing how much he cares is through buying stuff and distributing gifts.  When its Christmas time, I am mostly surprised by the woman apparel or clothes that he buys for us.  For instance, let me tell you about the time when he had the PNPA training in Manila and I almost did not make it to Christmas because I attended the Leadership Training in Antipolo until the 23 of December.  I left Manila in the 24^th on a-day-trip so it was understandable that I had no gift to give to anyone but I reached home and received the most down-to-earth, simple guy expression of thoughtfulness. 

Add to that is his love of cooking for the family and I appreciate his efforts on that.  Not only is he a good-and natural cook but he is also an expert driver.  There was one incident in July of 2008 when we had a farewell party in the office for Ms. Botch (a work mate in Combank) and I have not informed them at home that I am coming so late. I literally found no one at home because all the while they were searching for me. With his leadership, they drove at the outskirts of the city hoping to find me somewhere.  Your Dad is a caring person more than what the outside may seem to exude.

Second, (and did I say long list), he has a natural gift of leadership.  We actually often fight because at home, both of us are aggressive and hard-headed.  So much for the adjective, but we do disagree a lot.  He has his own style and opinion and I have mine. I think that this it is an indication of being a leader because he knows how to follow but he also takes the time to lead. We end up in a compromise that he and I am willing to take.

He has his own version of comfortably doing things, and he’s humble to ask for help and admit his mistakes when needed.  Here’s a proof, when you were barely a year old in October 2008, you had asthma and we had to take you to the hospital. Dad accompanied Mom out-of-town and we were left home alone (of course we were with Lola Maria but she’s too old to assist).  With all the courage that he can muster, he asked help from me and acknowledged my importance by admitting that my presence gives him moral support. We ran to People’s Emergency Hospital to seek prescription and have the Doctor checked on you.

You were crying hard and I saw the desperation and pain in his face to see you in such anguish or discomfort.  My heart went out to him in pulling the strings of leading a family in his young age (he was 21), his responsibility as a Dad to you while still depending on my parents as being a full-time-student.

Lastly, for the purpose of not deviating to our topic which is supposed to be “niece-centered,” I’ll just mention that I can see him as a great man in the future.   It is his quality to be resourceful and he is constantly being molded in his capacity to provide and ability to protect.  He is a proud man to have a daughter like you and a partner like Grace.    

I will not delve on the vision but I’m saying this as a general comment.  The world has yet to see how this one-man, when he has found his purpose in life and give it all his best shot and commit to trust everything to God and do his part of the bargain, will live to inspire and leave a mark of significance. 

Now, were almost through with the ugly stuff.  Let me just add something with regard to your mother.  I think that she is quite a strong, very beautiful and industrious woman.  She managed to hurdle all the challenges of a young mother gracefully.  She grows more beautiful every year and I’m starting to think that she must be getting all the strength and boosting from you.  She is a changed woman not just in status but more on the character.

I can only say a little about your mom but I have nothing against her decisions.  Like her decision to go home (bringing you along) in Palawan and leaving us broken-hearted because you had to be so far away from us in the crucial years of your growing up stage. 

Grace is far from average, she is a combination of pulchritude and brain.  Her potentials and opportunities for a better life are wide and open.  But she clearly knows her priorities and she is right to personally attend to your upbringing.  She has her ambitions but she keeps it simple by facing the reality of her situation. I know for a fact that these dreams are all anchored to your well-being.  I wanted her to be happy and to choose to do the right thing for your family.  Should her parents influence her decision, I know that she is just honoring her relationship to them as guardians. 

 I also think I am not in the position to weigh the negative over the positive of your living in Palawan instead of staying here with your Dad in Tuguegarao so I’ll just keep that topic untouched. 

Finally, I can address my letter to you.  I do have a lot of expectations but never will I obliged you to live in another person’s standards so just grow.  

Enjoy your life as a toddler. Play, play and play. 

I have a lot of abstract words to say but for a start remember to say ‘thank you’, ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘I love you’ to people close to your heart.  

When you grow as a young girl, be very responsible.  And don’t give your mom too much hard time.  She has enough troubles of her own.  Nah, just kidding. Feel free to disclose to her.  She is your own best friend.  In one way or another, she has been into where you’re going so trust her wisdom.

Growing up, I know that we were not really that visible in your life but we do care. We love you.  You are important to us and please ask your mom to visit us soon.  You are the person we miss most.

With love and support,

Tita Bluebelle