Letter to my Mom

Hi Ma,

I’m turning 23 on March 24 and I wanted to give thanks first and foremost to you.

Today, we argued or more precisely, I argued with you about the house and my thought that it was so unkempt.  I know you must have been very tired considering the fact that you came all the way from work and you just catched up in the Sunday Service this morning.  It was afterall the wrong timing.  I was also aware that I must have hurt your feelings when I said that well, that should be your responsibility to make sure that we are properly nourished and we go home in a nice, comfortable, organized and most importantly neat place.  As if I am  the mother, I know that’s not the proper way to speak to you and certainly not the least possible demonstration of giving respect.  So, I really apologize.  I intend to keep the subject away and not anymore bring back even any of the memories when you have to be separated from us (and you have not attended to our needs personally) in order  to help provide for the family.

Ma, I know that you and Dad are not perfect as parents but I want you to know that you are special because you are my parents.  You are the most important people in my life. You are the models that I am proud of. Sorry, I lied when I said the opposite in your face.  I will be careful not to inflict such pain caused by careless words again. I bet my angry disposition caused me to utter the words that meant to hurt or retaliate to you when we were in that heated argument.   Its a petty issue I should have set aside. But I guess that chapter was closed.

To tell you the truth, my life only revolves in four social aspects right now.  You (my family), my work, the church and my MPA class.  It’s simple and light.  Its far from the busy and pro-active lifestyle that I have had when I was in college.  Ma, let me share to you some random thoughts and valuable experiences I gained during the time I’m away from home to pursue my tertiary education (hehe, and very seldom visits due to countless preoccupation). 

 You know I appreciate how we were reared in a Christian home.  Most of my classmates misunderstood intimacy with sexual attachments.  Of course, this is the norm popularized by Hollywood nowadays and practiced by the so called “liberal” woman but I’m glad I was spared.  (No offense to other people with a different conviction) I can now attest that the discipline in setting a clear demarkation line between guarding the chastity and making love or doing the act outside the bonds of marriage is primarily due to a rooted conviction based on Christian values. 

Onother indispensible principle you demonstrated is integrity.  When I joined the sorority_Alpha Phi Omega_I neither informed nor asked your permission.  I knew you wouldn’t understand and you’d probaby not allow. I thought you might just point to me one by one the disadvantages of joining the organization based on what you hear (hazing, initiations, frat war and the like) but you did understood when it was time to tell you.  You trusted my judgement and you did not force me to quit.  The whole neophyte stage (that was almost a year) was pure hardship but I managed to survive.  The character to persevere and strive to excel kept me focused on the goals.  Yes I  did it and it was the most productive years of my college life. 

It was only when I joined APO that I was exposed to the real world.  The diversity of culture, the socially relevant issues of poverty and injustice, the classical mantra of commercialization, all these and more. And what did we do about it, of course we tried to extend service as best we could. 

Probably most of the “giving back-to-the-public” stuff was realized when I joined APO. The list of outreaced programs that I and the batch personally spearheaded was innumerable.  Some examples of which include coordinating Christmas Outreach Program for Street Children in Irisan Dumpsite, Bloodtyping & Bloodletting in collaboration with Redcross Baguio, Treeplanting in Four Adpoted Sites recognized by DENR, Oratorical Contest, Leadership Debates, Symposium on Student Deliquency, Book Rehab, Adopting a Park, First Aid Training, and many more). 

I loved the experience, the thrill, the fun, the interaction, the smiles etched in the faces of innocent children. 

To become more aware of our cultural heritage, I also joined the Philippine Program for Indigenous People and we even went to Sagada and taught Theatre to the locals.  That was terrific. 

I explored my political side by taking the challenge  to run as fourth year representative in 2006.  It was even then when I was enrolled in two schools simultaneously because I took 18 educational units in BSU.  But its all rewarding.  By the way, I wasn’t elected thank heavens because again I was most notably engrossed already in the Prof Ed course in BSU.

I also remember the part when I became a part of Campus Crusade for Christ.  It was the time that I cultivated my spiritual training.  By taking ownership of the organization, I understood the meaning of fulfilling an active part in sharing the Great Commission.  It was also a time of retreat, growth and revival.  For me, my joining the  core group and the team, even extending a year as a missionary is tantamount to the words tranquility, dependence, vulnerabilty, humility, patience and long suffering, accountability, truthfulness, rest and soul-searching.  Talk about my spiritual being.

Now, let’s move on to another chapter of my life that I am most reluctant or uncomfortable to share with.  My lovelife.  Hmp, there have been many “loves”, past or present but none that I have ever committed to.  I won’t mention any names but surely it varies from simple crush to downright mutual connections.  From merely heartthrobs or teasing partners to serious cases of infatuation. But there is a zero (so naive,harhar) level of serious dating or serioous acceptance of courtship from the opposite sex.  I am not sure if there is on the courting side but as far as I’m concerned, I do not remember any.  My reasons are more related to  “principles and values oriented” or difference in priorities and life missions, such cases when I know that remaining friends or keeping the friendship will do us best and not crossing that line would be most beneficial.  I think it has also something to do with my dynamic self, (and schedule or affiliations)–take note, this was during that time–  that I did not develop any serious “committment” to some significant other.

Anyway, since this blog should be about you, i’ll continue with our relationship.  There were several times when I’ve openly disccussed my future plans about career choices(e.g .when I said I’ve fallen in love in becoming a missionary and contemplating on joining full time). You explored other options with me but you are always very supportive.  And best (or hardest) of all, you still leave the decison to me.  That is how you are to me as a mother, willing to give sacrificially and expecting nothing in return.  The counselor, the adviser, the financier (haha), the listener, the critic, the friend, the mentor, the enemy (when I’m out-of-my-mind), the challenger, the woman that I want and do not want to become, the loud and vivacious, unorganized and very busy mother juggling it all up to make both ends meet.

I love you Ma,

even if I look irritated,

i’m in the wrong mood

or I say cutting, unjust words.

I am not just sorry but also repentant (i’m working on the change of attitude)

for being disrespectful,

judgemental,

unreasonable,

immature,

not responsible,

and you can add more to the list.

P.S. I wrote because I don’t have the courage to speak the words personally.  I’ll print it on mother’s day.  Hopefully  we can arranged a surprise for you this May.  Finally, to end the article I’ll give this as last words, don’t believe everything I say when I’m talking to you (especially if I’m mad) because my adrenaline cunningly make things up, sometimes hurtful words do come out of my mouth.  And I did not mean it but I can’t take it back either.  So just like always, listen to the unsaid words.  But you most probably know that already.

I’ll publish it now else you read it here (hehe, you almost caught me there)..see you every morning when we both wake up early.

 And for the benefit of not editing the truth